my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize