my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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