so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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