the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
