apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
