Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just had sex on a roof
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
