but the lizard people decide everything anyway
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
