If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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