Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
