Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
