i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
