My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
