don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
