my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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