Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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