I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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