You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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