so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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