pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
