it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
