Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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