I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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