i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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