glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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