I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
