My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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