Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
