is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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