why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
