I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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