Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
