I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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