Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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