What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
