Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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