I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize