Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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