i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
