Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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