you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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