Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
