I must be too annoying 4 u.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
