i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
