I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
