Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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