she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
