i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
