Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
