my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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