I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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