my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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