She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
