I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
