just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
