I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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