when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
