She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Your cock deserves a montage
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
