who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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